I have this huge fear of being in a car right now. I have good reason for this fear though. My whole life I have never been afraid of driving or being a passenger. In fact, I have always thought myself to be a rather good driver. Possibly on the slow side now and then, but pretty good. In the last two months my perspective has changed dramatically. Every time I get into the car I start to have a sort of panic attack. My hands start to get clammy, my face feels flush, and my heart races. I start to look at all the cars on the road and see them as potential hazards and I cant stop. If I am the passenger, I find my self gripping whatever I can to keep my self tight in my seat and I feel my self cringing every time I see break lights. Being in the car is agonizing for me. When I am feeling sick and want to close my eyes while my husband drives, I can't. In fear that I might not see something or never wake up again, I have to stay awake, alert, and stay alive. My husband is a great driver, and really do know that I am safe with him, but It's the other cars that freak me out!
Two weekends ago, Trevor and I were driving to Vernal and I kept thinking lets just drive off the cliff and get it over with. It sounds terribly morbid, and it is. But, I can see it happening anyway, so lets just get it over with! I see every bend in the road as another obstacle that could send us over the side and down the mountain. When an oncoming car passes, I clench the steering wheel afraid that it will be the last car I will ever see passing me again!
The same will be for tonight. I will get into the truck, drive all of 5 miles to my husbands work, all the while fighting the feeling of doom. Then, we will make the parriless 37 mile trip home. Each and everyone of those 37 miles is another mile for us to crash, another mile for someone to careen into the side of us. For that 37 miles, I can't breathe.
The day that changed my was just two months ago. December 6th 2009, while driving home from Colorado, Trevor's mom, Trevor and I were in an accident that could have taken us all. It had just begun to snow Sunday morning when we set out for church, and the blessing of our new nephew and grandson. Upon leaving the church we were excited that the snow had stopped and the sun had begun to shine. Just about a mile from the church on a back road, something unspeakable happened. I am not sure exactly how it happened because I was not paying attention. Sitting in the back, I was getting ready and settled for the 6 hour trip home. All I can remember is seeing Trevor brace himself, and him and his mom both yelling for one another. I had time to grab on and brace myself before total darkness set it. I can still hear the crunching sound of the roof making contact with the ground. It was a very surreal feeling as the car was rolling. It seemed as if it were totally quiet inside the car. I don't remember screaming, and I don't remember hearing anything being said or and shouts from Trevor or his mom. It was all very fast, and was over before I realized that we had actually rolled down the embankment. The car stopped on the passenger side. I remember how glad I was for the side airbags that covered the windows because Trevor's window was the only one that broke, and It kept his head and arms inside the car. I also remember how glad that I was, that I had all the pillows in the back seat with me. After patting my head, my arms, my legs, and my stomach, I immediately looked to Trevor and panicked. We both were fine. But, there was blood. Blood on the ceiling, on his face, on the seats, and on my coat. His mom had a cut above her eye about 1/2 centimeter long. Thank goodness it was that small, I had to tell myself to calm down and remember that the head bleeds bad. Trevor was well enough to climb up and over his mom and out of the car. He ran up the side of the hill and back up to the church. It seemed like he was gone forever. Instinct kicking in, I found whatever I could grab and stopped the bleeding. Trevor's mom was in a big amount of pain and could not get comfortable. I called 911 and tried to give the operator directions to where we were, but it turns out I thought we were in a totally different town! Finally Trevor had made it back and the image of him and his brother racing down to the car is something that will haunt me forever. The sheer look of terror and love and concern in his brother's eyes for their mom is something I never want to see again. Sometimes when I dream and I relive the crash, I wake up to that image and shake myself back to reality. I hate it! They were able to right the car and put it back onto all 4 wheels. I quickly got out of the car. Trevor and his brother gave their mom a blessing. Comforting her and staying with her was all of our main concern. After what seems like forever, (and it really was, it took at least 2 hours) Trevor's mom was safely in the ambulance and we were off to the hospital. I have to add that I was wearing a particularly high pair of heels, and I had to take them off and climb bare feet in a skirt up the hill to he car! That part is kind of comical, because I can just imagine how that looked. A grown woman crawling up the hill bare feet and totally overdressed!
Back at the hospital, Trevor's mom was busy being attended to. It was all afternoon before we were able to leave. Trevor's mom, bless her, was bruised and broken and was terribly banged up. She is fine today, and doing much better! Thankfully that is something I hope to never relive.
It saddens me to say that last Wednesday I was involved in another accident, this time totaling my car. I was driving home from work. It had just gotten dark, and the freeway was looking just fine. When the car in front of me came to a fast stop, it cause a cataclysmic effect! I was able to stop before hitting the car in front of me. And, the red Honda behind me was able to stop from hitting me. Unfortunately there was a Chevy truck behind him who was not as lucky. He hit the Honda who hit me, and then I hit the car in front of me! Then, to top it off, another car struck the Chevy from behind! Ugh! It was a mess! The airbags went off causing a toxic black cloud in my car! And the smell, ugh terrible! I was able to drive to the shoulder of the freeway and await what was to be a long and very cold process of exchanging information and waiting for the car to be towed and talking to the highway patrol. Today, I am still talking to the insurances to put this to rest, and to get my life back to normal. I have no car, no idea of how my car is getting paid off, and no idea of when! It's all very frustrating I feel very unsettled about the whole thing. I just have this feeling that it's not going to work out how I think it should.
So, this is my delima... How do I move on from these? How do I get back into a car and be at ease? How and I going to get through my 37 miles every morning and night without total panic and fear emanating through out my brain? I honestly have no idea. Every night I dream about getting into some sort of accident. Every night it's a different ending. I sit at work all day and find myself anxious for the time to come when I have to get back into the car and hopefully make it home ok. For me, tomorrow is not just another day to live, it's another day disaster can happen. I am deeply saddened by this thought.

My 2010 Handbook

I got this the following list in an email this morning and felt at once that, this was something I needed to post. And, more importantly that it was something that I needed to follow.

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.. 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy 5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day 9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. This one will be tough for me this year. Last year for me was too focused around the bad. I am going to move on this year and forget what happened or didn't happen last year.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake. I believe I dream enough while I am awake! I always have!
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.. I do have everything that I need right now. Unfortunately, I still want things. I want to move, I want to be a mom, and I want to be free of indecision.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present..
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Really?
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.